“Dear Sindi, I am a 27-year-old female and I have a dilemma. I have a clingy mom who wants me to live with her forever, as in until she passes away, or something happens to either one of us. I love my mom but the thought of living with her forever is enough to drive me insane. This has me thinking that my mom is overbearing. I am not sure of the overbearing mother effect on daughter but I am worried. I find myself thinking, ” Is my mom controlling”, I don’t want to think like this. I am now making enough money to move out. I have told her about my plans but she doesn’t want to hear them. I now hate living with my parents. My dad is also here. What should I do?“- Sabrina, Portland
Her Darling Life
First and foremost, I feel you, girl, I get it and I sympathize with you, it can be tough having an overbearing clingy mom, aarrgh, why can’t life be simple? You don’t have to feel like your world is coming to an end, there are solutions to this, and trust me your mom won’t be mad at you. You have to look at the 9 Things that you should do when your mom wants you to live with her forever.
9 Things that you can do when your mom wants you to live with her forever
Be firm
There is an art to this, you must be firm but kind and gentle otherwise your mom might backhand you, LOL, not really but it’s possible if your mom has a temper. Be firm and assert yourself, you cannot send mixed signals. Don’t wake up one day and tell her “Mom I am moving out” then the next day tell her “Mom I am not moving out”. You sound like you are not sure of your place in life. Once you decide to move out, make it final.
Switch the roles
You can do it, tell her to go and live with her parents for a month and see how she reacts. Your mom will probably laugh at the idea because as an adult she knows what it’s like to want some independence. If your grandparents are around, whisper this idea in her ear, this should give her insight into how you are feeling, deep breath.
Ask her to imagine how her life would have turned out if she lived at home with her parents forever, and the social implications that come with not having your own place. You can find it hard to have a social life and might end up being one of those children who hold a grudge against their mom, and end up saying to themselves, I have no friends because of my parents, when you look back you will blame your mom.
Make her see the bigger picture
If you are in a serious relationship your boyfriend might be sick and tired of having to visit you at your mom’s place. It’s not that he hates your mom but he may want some privacy. I can tell you now that no man wants to always be around their mother in law, it doesn’t matter how great the relationship is.
A good argument can be that you need to learn how to be independent so that you can one day get married and get used to living and doing things on your own. Now, imagine getting married and still depending on your mother to make you breakfast. That is not independence.
Staying with mom could be bad for both of you in the long run, one day you might wake up and say to yourself I want my mom to move out, that’s not a nice feeling for any daughter to have. Don’t make the situation hard for yourself, if your mom won’t cut the proverbial umbilical cord, then grab a pair of scissors and do it yourself.
Look at it from all angles
Maybe there is something that your mom is not telling you, why does she want you to live with her forever, does she have financial problems? Is she sick? Ask her why she wants you to live with her the answer might be what you were looking for.
Help her come to terms with it
Your mom could be feeling scared of the dreaded empty nest syndrome, I mean maybe all that she has ever known is her role as your mom.
How can I help my mom come to terms with it?
Get her involved with your moving out. It would be nice if you ask her for her opinion on certain things. Why not ask her to go shopping with you for some home decor? The point is to make her feel involved enough to accept that you are moving out.
Make her feel appreciated
Maybe mommy dearest is clinging onto you because she doesn’t feel appreciated, it’s a weird thought but it does happen. Your mom might think that now that you are older and financially capable of fending for yourself, she is no longer needed, and she feels chased out the door, it’s kind of like throwing away a candy wrapper when you are done eating, what’s the use of keeping it around?
Tell her not to compare you to your siblings
If you have siblings that have stayed at home until they got married or siblings who are still living at home your mom should not even try to paint you with the same brush. Yes, you have the same mom but you are individuals. It’s unfair for her to expect you to stay at home if it’s something that you despise. And besides, if your older siblings are still at home there should be no need for you to be there, why does she want the extra, extra company?
Be patient
I know it’s hard but girl if you have to practice a little bit of patience, after all, they say it’s a virtue. Be understanding especially if you and your mom have had a close relationship. Imagine if you had a daughter that you did everything with, and out of the blue she told you that she wants to live on her own. Ouch, that would make you feel very heartbroken, let’s take out the tissues. But seriously, give her time to get used to the idea. Don’t rush things, you don’t want to move out and never talk to your mom again.
List your points of reason
You can’t just move out like you are spider man and expect her to be happy about it. Give her a list of reasons. To help you here are some of the questions that you can ask when your mom wants you to live with her forever.
- Don’t you want me to be independent?
- Don’t you want me to make you proud?
- Don’t you want me to stand my ground?
- Don’t you want me to pursue my dream?
- Don’t you want me to use the values that you have taught me to make it in life?
- Don’t you want me to have my own house? And you can visit?
- Don’t you want me to form my own identity?
How do I survive living with my parents?
The key thing is to assert your independence, this means setting up your personal space, treating each other like you are roommates, and not taking advantage of the fact that you are related. If you intend on staying with your parents for a long time, create boundaries that can include doing your activities from time to time.
In closing
It’s hard for moms to let go of their daughters, you can sit down with your mom and get her to understand, she might be mad at you at the beginning but in time she will get used to the idea. Just because you want to live on your own doesn’t mean you don’t want your mom to be your mom.