“Dear Sindi, I don’t feel close to my mom she and I used to be very close. When I was young we did everything together, I knew everything about her, and she was involved in my life. I am now 29 years old and the relationship is not the same. My mom has developed what I would call toxic traits, I think she is a narcissist, but I am not sure. But she criticizes everything I do, nothing is good enough for her. I have tried and I feel like I am done with my mom because no matter how hard I try it seems like I and my mom never get along, I am at my wit’s end. Why don’t I feel connected to my mother?”– Carolina, Florence, Italy.
Her Darling Life
It’s normal to feel like the relationship between you and your mom is well, not the same. It happens to all mother-and-daughter relationships. So many factors can be at play. You may move far from home to start a new life, you may get a boyfriend, oh, and your mom can also be in a relationship. God forbid she forgets that she has a daughter and focuses on her new man. The awkward relationship between mom and daughter usually sorts itself out, but sometimes it doesn’t, so what can you do?
Why do I feel no connection to my mother?
You don’t feel connected to your mom because relationships change as we mature, if you and your mom have a bad relationship starting from the time when you were a child, you might find it awkward to connect with her on an emotional level and have undealt with resentment.
Here are 8 Reasons why you feel no connection to your mother
Life happens, you might have gotten into a relationship and your priorities changed, it’s even worse if you got married, and your focus shifted from your mom to your own family. Maybe you had a baby, it’s easy to put all your attention on your baby and not your mom. Maybe your mom had a series of life events that made her only focus on herself, the point is that life gets in the way of our relationships sometimes.
She made you feel bad about yourself when you were growing up
Growing up you might have not looked or acted like the child your mom wanted. Maybe you were what we would call a tomboy and you were forced to wear dresses or put on makeup, so she never understood the child that you were, all this can cause a rift between the two of you.
She didn’t spend a lot of time with you
Unavailable parents come in different forms. Depending on the country you grew up in, your grandmother might have raised you while your mom lived far away to work and provide for you. Your bond might be with the adult who raised you, be it your grandmother, aunt, or distant relative.
In addition, it is common for children who come from rich families to not have a close bond with their mothers, I mean how could you if you were raised by your nanny?
She put a lot of pressure on you
I can’t image how nerve-wracking it might have been to be raised by a mom who constantly put pressure on you. As a mom, she might have had big dreams of you becoming a doctor so all she did was pressure you into being what she wanted. You practically grew up living in fight or flight mode, your childhood was spent doing everything that you could to not only please your mom, but not get into any trouble. All this is a recipe for disaster and can be one of the reasons that you are not close with your mom.
You weren’t allowed to have fun
If your mom was a single mom on a difficult person she may have put a lot of expectations on you. So instead of going out to play with your friends, you were required to cook, clean, help your siblings with their homework and be some kind of deputy mom. All in all, you never got to have a childhood, girl you were treated like a maid.
This is just a phase
Life happens in phases and if you are younger than 18 then this might be a passing phase. If you are a teenager, chances are you are feeling like the bond between you and your mom is not there, it is normal to feel this way as you mature you might realize your mom is your best friend and she means no harm.
Unless you are an alien from Jupiter, it’s safe to surmise that your mom grew up in a different generation than you. It’s very normal for moms who grew up in the 60s or 70s to not have a strong bond with their daughters, back then things like showing emotions or therapy were not common or frowned upon. But these days it’s easy to repair the damage between mom and daughter because interventions such as counseling are not seen as negative.
You moved away from home
It’s quite common to feel like your and your mom are not close if you live far away, time, distance, and the problems that you have had to deal with will have played a role.
5 Things that you can do when you are no longer close to your mom
Find the root cause of the problem
Think back to when you and your mom used to be close, so what happened? Did she get a boyfriend that you hated? Did you have a boyfriend that she wanted you to break up with? Maybe it was something else, you could have been going through a lot as a teenager and the way that you guys treated each other damaged the relationship.
Once you get to the root of the problem, then you can fix
Forgive her for past mistakes
Unless you have a child of your own then you wouldn’t necessarily understand that being a mom is a tough job. Your mom might not have been the best mom, at some point she may have treated you unfairly and you felt that she was not a good mom. Okay, what if she was a lazy mom? What if she could have been there for you? Do you think that your life would have turned out a different way? If you want to rebuild the relationship forgive her for her past mistakes.
Heal your inner child
Heal the little girl inside of you, she needs to know that life does go on and you can still have a great emotional life. Deal with past traumas stemming from the relationship with your mom? Suppose your mom was neglectful, she was never there all she cared about was herself, you might have even raised yourself. If you don’t take the time to heal your inner child your emotional self will be stuck at the age that your mom started to neglect you. Sure you might be over the age of 18 but your inner self might be 9 years old.
Quick phone calls
Rebuilding the relationship between you can your mom doesn’t mean you need to do a big gesture, a quick phone call here and there to get in the habit of talking to each other again will do.
Move closer to where she is
If your job is flexible enough and you don’t have a family of your own this a something you can consider. Moving back home can strengthen the relationship between you and your mom, but it can also be a good career move for you, most companies prefer to give opportunities to natives. You should only do this if it would make sense for you, if you are at school and studying a course that is not available where your mom lives then don’t move back home. The same goes for your job, if you can relocate and find suitable employment closer to your mom then wait it out.
Is it normal to not be close to your mom?
Yes, it is normal not to be close to your mom, several factors contribute to the lack of bond between mother and daughter. If you never grew up with your mom or she was never there for you all these can impact the relationship and cause strain.
What happens when you don’t bond with your mother?
If you don’t bond with your mother this can make you seek validation from outside people. You can find yourself being in relationships with people who are not good for you because you never received the love for your mother. Not bonding with your mother can cause self-esteem issues and cause resentment.
If you do not feel close to your mother, it’s never too late to repair the damage, however, you must think about what led the relationship to be the way that it is, your peace of mind comes first, if your mom is a narcissist, you might want to assess if your efforts will be worth it, tell me how it goes.